bedford-bypass

Lost you with that title maybe, its from the Police Academy film and the character “Tackleberry” who’s basically just wants the job so he can fire bullets at things. I find it funny when people get obsessed with things or go over the top trying to be great and I came across a bog standard security guard over ten years back who had a belt stuffed with gizmo’s that would make Batman look underprepared. He’d made a little sign saying “dog unit” and stuck it on the door of his Ford Escort. An absolute fuckwit!

Some of our local Councillors have got the same overenthusiatic approach to life and have been buying hand held speed detectors and hiding behind bus stops wearing yellow coats.

They have been buying these things with their “councillors ward allowance” which cutting to the chase is public money. They can’t really do much with them apart from scaring people but it seems the new craze with the latest Cllr to jump on ther bandwaggon being Carol Ellis who is my councilor and usually trundles round Great Barford on a motorised scooter and try as I might I can;t find out who gave her permission to spend our money on the thing. Carol is upset because her speed gun thing has got lost at Police headquarters and as a result there has been carnage and mayhem on the roads hasn’t there?.

I’m not making light of speeding here, I see all sorts of stunning driving and those behind the wheel either have a death wish or like driving with their ringpiece so far inside them that it must be near their mouth, night time on the very dark and long main roads seems to be a favourite. I was once saw a car of four teenager dick heads avoiding becoming the main story on the news by seconds and only becuase the driver of the car I was in reacted to a life or death situation preventing a head on collison between their car and a lorry. Putting an expensive bit of kit in the hands of wannabe cops isn’t the way of going about things. The Police have confirmed that they are the only resource that can prosecute speeding drivers and they seem to concentrate on those areas where they are guaranteed to catch people doing 35 in 30 zone whilst ignoring the ones who will do 90 in a 40 cos it’s dark. Colleen Atkins is another voluntary enforcer though she has a band of followers to help her patrol the unsafe streets!

I’m not supporting regulation and there’s always been a strange relationship between traffic cops and the beat boys, one gives your the Jensen Button comment then adds you to the tally and the other might make you feel like a knob and lets you go unless you are a knob and I’ve always felt you learn more by the second approach.

Back to the volunteers hiding in the bushes, I imagine they will be wanting tazers at some point!
Go watch Tackleberry and you’ll see what I mean!

If you remember that was the Tesco slogan! There’s a contretemps going on about the latest “wheeze” at getting people into work. Basically you get together with big business and force unemployed people to stacj floors, sweep up etc, all meaningfull tasks and threaten them with starvation if they refuse. So imagine it, you’ve lost your job with Bedford Borough Council and the only thing to offer you any form of hope in a bleak landscape is 30 hours unpaid work putting beans and cornflakes on display. I came across one such store on Saturday, not in Beford but that beside the by, its a major chain convenience store in St Albans where for most of the afternoon they have two workers and one of the placements, the unpaid chap is single handedly unloading a large van. There’s large amounts of cash in teh store and they were robbed a few years back. There’s no opportunity for a breather till the evening people turn up then all the lottery ticket devotees pile in. Sounds like someone’s boat has arrived and as a Govt spokesperson keeps saying “these are wonderful opportunities for young people”.

20plus years back it was the Manpower Services Commission, then it was Youth Training and various permutations, variations on the theme of working for tuppence without any glimmer of permanent structured employment. Without it well your life is on hold!

Activists closed down a Tesco store just opposite from the House of Commons last Saturday after it advertised for permanent workers for just expenses and jobseekers allowance. Think of the options, tube travel (£££££) or maybe cycling to your voluntary post and possibly adding to the list of people being prised out from under buses and taxis. The shop was closed by people with placards and determination. That’s all it takes to make your point.

The man at the centre of the £1 bonus scandal has confirmed that he is to forego the extra cash payment following pressure from MPs and the public outcry.
Bob Sanders aged 53 has been in the top job at the Gleamy Weamy Car Wash Centre on Goldington Rd since April 2011on a salary believed to be minimum wage for 60hrs per week. During his tenure the company has excelled with queues around the corner especially on Sunday since two people left for better jobs with the odd day off however the £1 bonus given to him as a result of his finding an elderly customers wallet under the seat of a his Skoda Roomster’s back seat provoked an outcry.
One Town centre spokesperson who didn’t want to be named on account that it would make them look a total twat said “it’s outrageous, getting a wage like that and then a whopping tax free bonanza on top” I think he’s done the right thing by handing it back.
A bemused Mr Sanders said in an exclusive interview to BedfordBypass said
“I can’t hand it back, the bloke drove away so I’ve decided to pool my £1 with Italian Toni’s £1.27 that he got for helping an old lady change a tyre and we are going to get some biscuits. Some nosey wan*ers need to get a life”!*&^%$

Postscript: Our Bypass Review Board considered this blogpost and found it to be poor quality, not very funny and a poor attempt to copy the quality humour to be found in Now or Never Magazine. We apologiose for this lacklustre entry and will ensure that subsequent posts are above this meagre effort.