We are evolving, embracing the future, the latest technology! We have started to mess around with the digibox and seeing what exciting TV channels there are beyond the usual five!
Now if we appear to be somewhat late in discovering the delights of over 150 extra places to waste our lives well it’s intentional.
We stumbled across something called Psychic TV in which three ladies caked in make up messed around with Tarot cards and encouraged the viewer to phone in, provide credit card details and be on the receiving end of this doorway to the future. I see….I see…ye! It’s coming clear…You will get a f%$£ing trouser filling fright when your statement arrives you gullible person.
Press the buttons, there the shopping channel. Pretty much the same as the above but you actually get something for your money although the very bubbly presenter seemed to have the patter to convince people to splash out on something naff on the basis that a) your life would be enriched by this item and b) You were getting this jewel encrusted broach for a fraction of its true value! Over on Psychic TV they are predicting more heart stopping shocks and sorrow as credit card statements arrive.
Trinkets and baubles flying off the shelf, prices dropping from £2500 to £190, where’s the phone dear, there’s only a few left!
Foyle’s War, see it. Poirot, the Belgian sleuth seems to have his own channel, at least he’s not charging although the price for watching him unmask the murderer is at least six commercial breaks, cheap stuff at the bottom end of the market. That’s the price of a 15 year old repeat!
Onto the good stuff. Channel 118, two lovely ladies cavorting topless on a bed. Exhorting you to experience nirvana, kubblahkaan, chat to them, liberate your mind, your fantasies. Simply phone some number at £7.00 a minute and boy these girls will get you so steamed up, time will fly by before you know it you’ll be wondering how to pay your mortgage and worrying in case your partner asks why a single phone call has set you back £147.93. Plus vat!
Over on one of the mainstream channels there’s a show about a technique called “rinsing” in which several quite clever young women have found out that if they flirt with presumably single men of low intelligence and spare cash, they can without the need to satisfy any male carnal urge, go home with all manner of presents, jewellery, clothing, business class trip to New York and so on. Presumably Mr Lonely realises he’s been made a fool of and then goes off and finds someone else who will help decrease his bank account!
Then there’s an odd programme in which people that have spent the last 20 or so years living in houses filled with a range of detritus ranging from old toys, books , old VHS tapes and as seen last night, just plain crap, food wrappers, just total sh*t. Some plastic face hair transplant guy called Stellios (not that one) comes along and advises them on how to sort the mess out which basically consists of them going out for the day and leaving the job up to a bunch of cleaners. They all meet up, say thanks and Stellios chalks up another success. More of the same next week and if you want to be in the next series get in touch!
I wonder why people go on programmes like this knowing that they are going to be ridiculed if not by the TV crews who display dacorum then by their neighbours when the show goes out, when wev’e gawped and then turned over. There was one programmes a few years back in which a middle aged women bared all (quite literally) in front of the camera as she set out to be a porn star. This distressing documentary ended with the failed starlet in tears, screwed on camera several times then cast adrift, admitting to a history of mental illness and self harm and the whole just made me want to cry along with her!
Back to the shopping channel, Lisa is gushing and drooling over some necklace, down from a grand to £120. She’s in rapture! She’s having an orgasm or at least like the other two elsewhere she’s faking it and getting paid commission. It’s The Hustle in real life. Like one of those stalls you see at the seaside (and there’s one on Oxford St in London) where the “ringmaster” type bloke manages to whip up such a frenzy there’s cash being handed over for fun, for sealed boxes that cannot physically contain all you think you are expecting. You’ll be miles away before you realise, so will your money!
But maybe that’s the point and I’ve missed it. It’s the buzz. That feeling of pure delight when you get what you want, cheap baubles, Madame Zareesha with her West Midlands accent telling you’re going to inherit some money (so don’t worry about the £15 it’s just cost you). Actually believing that talking to two silicone chested pouting women in thongs is going to cure your lonely life and cravings for company, the addictive cycle of defeat.
We had a close friend. She died three years back. She was disabled and spent a good part of the day at home. At night she partied, the chair never held her back, but during the day she discoved shopping live on TV with new friends, the hosts. When her partner was coming to terms with her not being there, he started to find stashes of “Shopping Channel” packets of jewellery, underwear, clothing, skin rejuvenator and more, all crammed into cupboards, much unopened and not worn. Then credit cards in boxes. 0% balance transfers all hidden till the day she could sort it all out. A day that never arrived. Unlike the post funeral demands! The seller eventually accepted a settlement and took much of it back.
Now it became clear that our friend had sought solace in the concept that all this stuff would make her look, feel and be beautiful so when she did get out (which she did quite often) boy would she shine! But like a heroine addict the actual act of buying, making that phone call and getting that packet became the hit, the drug, the endorphin releasing climax!
As I’ve tried to figure out how the TV license can support over 100 channels I’ve come to the conclusion that at the end of the day much of what’s out there is junk and in cases distressing. its best to just stick to the main staple diet of BBC 1, BBC 2 and the odd foray into ITV. Give me a good book anyday. Or maybe some CDs. Amazon and Ebay are great. I spend hours on there. Buy it Now! That buzz when you get something for £3!
