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Burning Bypass…..

21 May

We scrambled up the banking, pausing by acquired learning before we broke our cover, the Bedford  Bypass…empty, the rotting shells of cars returning slowly to dust dotted the landscape. Tree seedlings and red rosebay willow herb poked through cracks in the surface. A stench in the air, something else returning to dust but not without leaving a putrid trace in the air laced with the odour of an eternity of fire we had had to breath for what seemed like decades, but more months…ten we seemed to remember. Nearby… the remains of two dead sheep hanging through the fence.

Burn Bypass Burn

Burn Bypass Burn

To the right, we could still make out the rough shape of the few tower blocks in Bedford that had survived. A bird flies overhead. In the far distance to the East, gunshots, random at first but growing in consistency, maybe echoes but a reminder that it wasn’t over. Five miles away maybe, hard to tell.

To the West, a blood red sun just visible through through a towering plume of smoke  trying to set at 4.00pm on what should have been a June afternoon hovering roughly above where according to my memory Milton Keynes once was. Soon be the longest day of the year, but when thought is applied every day for the last few years has been long..and dangerous.

Decay strewn as far as the eye could see, not safe to be visible for too long. The gunfire ceased a few minutes to be replaced by the sound of something moving in the distance. We scrambled down the banking….

Thanks to Anna for this!tn_114

A Force to be Reckoned WIth!

21 May
Darth shouting at his dog!

Darth shouting at his dog!

Ooooh! We’ve been rumbled, by no less than Darth Vader it seems according to the name on the email!
Truths out I have to admit. Bedford Bypass has no readers at all, when I got two comments from real people last night rather than those automated selling one I was really happy, weeks can go by without a single hit! Then I read them and the sky which was once filled with star came crashing down on me as I ate my Pot Noodle. So here’s the truth….sob…violins….I’m just a very very lonely guy, I never go out, have no friends at all, my partner is an ex shop window dummy which is better than the bloke from Psycho I suppose, I had no friends when I was a kid. The only exception was my imaginary pet cat and he got knocked down by an imaginary car. Debs is my latest imaginary friend, I drew her in crayon and gave her curly hair and she says nice things before I go to sleep. I fully expect to die all alone in a bus station in Exeter. Am I hamming it up enough here?

More conclusive proof of how useless CCTV is!

More conclusive proof of how useless CCTV is!

Now Darth Vader (or it could be that red and black stripy bloke) accuses Bedford Bypass of “spouting poison over people’s hard work”, being middles class anarchists and by being in charge of all comments, well we are operating a dictatorship! So that’s that. Banged to rights. Sussed out, exposed for the charlatans we are!
I’m wounded, gutted, gobsmacked, William Shatnered! Really, I burst into tears when I got the email. And all I did was write a blog about how duff CCTV systems are. Poor me!
I won’t do that again. No Sir! Last thing I want on my conscience when I snuff it and am on the way to meet my Lord and Saviour is that pang, the knowledge that I’ve upset Darth (It might even be that wrinkly bloke Darth Sidious Vicious from the last Star Wars film, it would that be the third in time line speak).
So I’ve decided to do penance and as a mark of respect for Darth and have changed the little title at the top.
Also and I’ve said this before, if Darth wants to explain to us about the virtues of CCTV that goes through to a crap local authority that have twice been barred from the DVLA data base, I will happily publish it without question. How’s that for middle class dictating anarchists!

I wonder if they ever caught the man behind the sex assualt?

I wonder if they ever caught the man behind the sex assualt?

24 Years Later….Hillsborough

21 May

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We have been chastised over the last blog about CCTV. Two of the CCTV supporters have commented with rage, one of them goes by the name of Darth which I would imagine sums things up! I don’t know them personally, Steve who wrote the blog does! I was challenged a few months back for saying that over 96 people died at Hillsborough. Maybe I should elaborate, 96 died on the day, others died later as a direct result! If you want me to be precise 84 died in the event, 12 died after being rushed to hospital, there were later attributable deaths notably Tony Bland who was on life support until 1993 and then three recognised suicides of traumatised survivors.
CCTV can in certain circumstances be beneficial and anyone watching the BBC programme Hillsborough How They Buried The Truth last night will know exactly what I mean. We had lies, Police cover ups, eye witness statements from serving officers being doctored after submission, deliberate attempts to shift the blame from South Yorkshire Police to the Liverpool supporters, deliberate leaking of misinformation to notably The Sun newspaper who proved very compliant. Someone broke into Sheffield Wednesday’s CCTV room and stole what they thought was the tape showing the police opening the back gate leading to the flood of people into a packed stadium. Had the tape been the correct one a crucial piece of evidence would have been lost allowing the police to get away with their lie that fans charged and broke the gate.
Hillsborough! Like JFK and Lennon, it’s engrained in the memory of all those hit by the ripple of the event. I was in a canoe on Llyn Padarn in North Wales at ten to three. As I paddled, a wound opened that 25 years later has only just started to show signs of healing and that’s only because despite being side-lined and vilified those that campaigned for the truth, those that said there was a conspiracy to shield the police and those that just refused to be beaten have started to come out as heroes for no other reason that they never gave up . I use the word “heroes”with due respect and featured in last nights programme was a lady named Anne Williams. Anne’s son Kevin was 15 when he died at Hillsborough. A time of death was imposed as 3.15pm. This was an immovable object. 3.15pm. Anne never gave up. Kevin lived long after 3.15pm and was supported in her campaign by an off duty Police Officer (Derek Bruder) who was shown in CCTV footage filmed after 3.15pm trying to resuscitate. Also crucial was evidence that Kevin managed to communicate to a special constable well after that crucial 3.15pm time used to justify an official view that despite the best actions of the police nothing more could have been done!

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Anne Williams died in April aged 60 having spent 24 proving that both she and the other parents / relatives and friends had been the target of a sustained campaign to marginalise and dismiss them!
You may be aware that to read The Sun in Liverpool even today is an act of betrayal. Kelvin McKenzie feigned an apology for the attack on not just Liverpool fans but as blood is thicker than water most of Liverpool and those with a remotest connection (like mine in being born there!). McKenzie was described as being Lowlife, Intelligent Lowlife..but Lowlife! In the wake of a brilliant but traumatic documentary this quip still makes me smile!

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Burglars and murderers.. please go down the road!

20 May
Look, the middle one...it's Elvis!

Look, the middle one…it’s Elvis!

Not very convincing is it? You might have come across our “kicking of the week” feature which is a bit intermittent but the above image is actually a CCTV image connected with the latest murder from last week in Kempston, the one before was on Elstow Road, the one before that in the town centre. Sensitivities prevent us from blogging in our jovial way about specific acts of violence that results in the loss of life but they are regular enough events in Bedford to cause serious concern! Back to the image, Police are appealing for witnesses and I’m not sure what good pushing the CCTV image out into the public domain will do!
Now I stumbled across our village vigilante committee on Saturday, big style..five of them with little sticky name badges, two of them looking like they’ve lost the winning lottery ticket. They want to raise £10,000 for two sets of CCTV so we can sleep easy. For me the arguments in favour of CCTV in certain places are valid however for the most part it’s become a leap of faith believing that the installation of CCTV cameras in their thousands reduces crime, it doesn’t, even the Home Office concede this point. The murder victim associated with the above CCTV footage might also agree with me however he’s dead and the camera footage firstly didn’t prevent it and (topic for discussion) the quality is vague enough to be useless.
An arrest has been made however the person has been released on police bail which is an odd one considering what has happened.
Back to our village vigilante committee, there was a meeting a few weeks back that I was certainly not aware of however having made my views on CCTV known previously I dare say my presence wouldn’t have been conducive to a yes vote however 68 people thought it was a good idea. One of the speakers is involved in a professional capacity in helping market such equipment so I’ve asked if vested interests were declared. Now I’ve become adept at swimming against the tide, picking up on discrepancies and being that kid that declared the emperor to be in the buff and for £10,000 capital and £500 revenue to keep it operating all that we are being offered is that it might move “crime” on somewhere else, maybe bits of the village that it doesn’t cover, maybe the next village along, that’s nice isn’t iot, it might be able to pick up number plates and it conceivably might (just might) be able to suggest that a known miscreant was driving through at the time a crime was committed providing the car is registered. Providing you know roughly when it was committed otherwise you might have to look through days and days of footage tracing hundreds of number plates. Then Bedford Borough Council might have been kicked out of the DVLA number plate database for er…unspecified reasons which according to the DVLA has happened twice of late. The Borough say it was only once!

There’s no money in the council or police pot to pay for the system and the locals are being asked to dig deep. Fools and their money are soon parted!

Jesus of Biggleswade

17 May

Jesus of Biggleswade

Jesus of Biggleswade


Locals will be aware of the Panacea Society, a bunch of pleasant oddballs that between them owned several million £s worth of property on the edge of Bedford town centre. One of the houses named “Shiloh” was kept in a state of readiness for the second coming of Jesus. Much safer than the Middle East where he wouldn’t last five minutes mind you Bedford’s death rate leads to the town featuring on the news quite a lot!
Jesus it seems has missed the boat. Ruth Klein the last surviving Panacea member died last year and so Jesus’s house has become a museum. Jesus it seems has returned as a 57 years old and with des res Shiloh not being available has had to go live in Biggleswade which is far worse than being nailed to a cross in blazing sunshine being poked by Roman soldiers and not surprisingly has gone off down the various boozers, got trollied and been arrested for pissing in one of the flower tubs. Apparently this is the second time he’s done it of late!
Going under the pseudonym of Paul Clifford, we assume it’s not to attract attention lest people with body bits missing start following him asking for them back, Jesus only revealed his true identity to the Police when they collared him the first time having miraculously turned wine into water (albeit nitrogen rich) and used it to bring life to his plant brethren!
Here’s Jesus, touch the image on the screen and make a wish, nothing too much mind, remember all lottery wins are subject to a minimum donation of 20% to Freedom Books down the East End. It must be a burden being the returned son of the almighty, a bit like when you win the lottery in that all the weirdo’s start harassing you asking you to feed the poor, bring Uncle Harry back from the dead or at least bringing him back as an angel so you can ask where the will is so we think its pretty mean of the police to keep arresting him!
It’s a bit like when they arrested Batman after he climbed on the window at Buckingham Palace a few years back. With Spiderman! What sort of example does that set to the youth of today when these iconic figures come along and get carted off. At least they don’t end up unconscious and then dying in a police cell!

Bypass Founders Day!

16 May

Today we celebrate the birth back in 1837 of Nathaniel J Bypass resident of Oldham, Lancs who one day had an epiphany of sorts… as he was a humanist it was more like a bloody good idea. 

Our founder Nathaniel J BYpass

Our founder Nathaniel J BYpass

Living on one side of the town with his good wife and son named oddly enough Bedford and regularly traversing the land to visit his pals on the other side of Oldham, a place called Glodwick, Nathaniel J Bypass had seen the town centre deteriorate with a profusion of taverns, charitable aims shops, and illicit gambling dens that he sought a means of visiting his pals whilst avoiding the High St (or Yorkshire St for those that know Oldham). Whilst doodling on a map he drew a semi circular line from his abode marked “here” to that of his friends ont tother side o town marked “to here”when the idea of a new road…. nay a highway that completely avoided the town centre landed in his head, this creation of Nathaniel’s would be forever known as…the Bypass. And so 180 or thereabouts years later visitors to Oldham can simply drive right round, past the Deaf Institute, the General Infirmary, maybe a view of the Athletic football ground and head to Mumps Bridge (even though it’s been knocked down but you can still see the brick bits, my dog Benjamin came from the dog pound nearby) and thence to Saddleworth Moor for a nice day out or a picnic in the car park before the Peak District Ranger comes and tells you off!
Nathaniel J Bypass and his creation prospered, eventually most towns ended up with a Bypass ™ or a campaign group either calling for one to be built or for the planned Bypass ™ to be stopped, Sometimes both!
Then it all went wrong for the Bypass family. Soon the concept of the “ring road” the “Circular” and the “Orbital Highway”arrived, essentially the same idea with a different name leading the Bypass family out in the cold. Nathaniel’s great great grandson Bedford J Bypass junior the 3rd fought hard through the courts for the Bypass ™ to be the only means of nipping round any city or town but lost the entire family fortune in the process. Stupid sod! Even the name Bypass vanished due to a succession of female offspring, like what happened to Henry the Eighth but without any axes being involved however by luck it was ascertained that on one of Nathaniel’s visits to his pals on the other side of Oldham in 1842 he’d fathered illegitimate twins one girl and a cheeky boy. This was revealed on the Chanel 37 programme “Who’s Yer Real Dad” which is a very low budget version of Who Do you Think You Are. The bloodline was shown by a series of paternity tests and claims for child support to have continued down the generations fading then resurging until his direct descendants after a chance meeting at the Everyman Theatre, Liverpoool found themselves leaving the North West under cover of darkness and living in Bedford determined to restore the family name and equally determined to ensure that the legacy of being able to trundle around the town watching a red sky forming is attributed to this wonderful man and that he eventually features in the Blue Peter Annual assuming they still do it!
And that’s how Bedford Bypass came to be! It takes us to better places!  Bedford Bypass

Four Years Off With Full Pay!

15 May

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I go through periods of rage, total rage at things that annoy me, then I have periods where I see the funny side in obscure things, surrealism like my support for assisted departure from life, the idea of opening a branch of Dignitas here in the UK appeals however ours will have a coffee and gift shop to make it more socially accepted.
Then I reach a point of total inertia, when no matter what we do (collectively) we aren’t getting anywhere then by a process that I don’t fully understand, and don’t particularly want to in case the magic wears off, I’ll read something and the rage comes back! I was listening to Radio 4 this morning and the subject about life sentences for people that kill serving police officers came up and my mind wandered across the fence to the subject of people that die at the hands of the police! Read on!
Two sisters made an appeal to trade unionists up in Glasgow yesterday for support in their campaign against police brutality and a small but vocal march to the Downing St this October!
The sisters once had a brother called Christopher and his sibling Janet is proving that much as the state would like to let things vanish from view some folk just refuse to shut up! Christopher Alder was a decorated survivor of the Falklands war and following an assault (on him) in Hull in 1998 he was rushed to Hull hospital semi conscious only to be dragged out of hospital and taken by police vehicle to be questioned. Five minutes later he was taken out of the van unconscious having lost a tooth whilst in the vehicle with his pants around his ankles. CCTV footage from the custody room showed Christopher choking on his own vomit before he died whilst police officers standing around could be seen doing monkey impressions although the officers were allowed to return to work after a four year suspension (with pay hence the title of this blog) as the Crown Prosecution Service took a view that there wasn’t any evidence of racial intent in whooping about and going oooh! oooh! in front of an unconscious man on the floor. Oh! Did I tell you that Christopher was black?
It’s just another name added to the list of people that have died whilst in police custody which as of today numbers 333, half the number the Beast and a third of the number that you call if you want plod to come your way! You can break this 333 figure down further if you highlight those that died whilst being restrained but don’t ask how many were black. Look don’t…it’s embarrassing…that’s; what we have talent shows for, to take your mind away from stuff like this.
Hey!…what are doing reading stuff like this…go buy The Sun and look at tits and absorb mind enhancing information about Kerry Katona, maybe see some silicon enhanced bimbo’s knickers as she gets out of a car! Its all there for the world…………..
Or maybe you might like to go back to the start of this blog and give it another few seconds read! Life’s filled with complexity!

Bedford Bus Station: Things don’t add up!

13 May

More weird maths emerging from that most hallowed of buildings…Borough Hall! All the pieces are in place for the redevelopment of the new bus station, a wonderful point of departures that each Saturday sees smiling Bedfordians head off to Cambridge, Northampton, maybe Oxford to enjoy a bit of shopping!

Like the exit route from Colditz!

Like the exit route from Colditz!

When I say all the pieces we’ve been treated to those usual artist impressions but what seems to be missing is the actual money to actually pay for the thing. With an estimated cost of £8.8million, the Mayor has mentioned them having £2million left over from one project and £750,000 from another and so using the powerful Bedford Bypass computer I’ve entered all known data in and its come up with a shortage of about £6million.
Now that’s a serious difference and it’s going to take a lot of car boot sales and coffee & cake mornings to bridge the gap! Then there’s another round of cuts, £10mill this year and another £37mill between 2014 and 2018!
The artist impressions of what it COULD look like are as ever quite entertaining as they contain as much reality as Dorothy got when she finally made it into the Emerald City. Alright I’ve exaggerated a bit but whoever came it with the design below needs to go to Bedford bus station one Saturday, sit there for a few hours near the coffee shop, go back to their PC and CAD software and start again!

Something to look forward to...a big invoice!

Something to look forward to…a big invoice!

F**king Mike Buchanan again!

11 May

I’ve had a quick peek a boo at the local Bedford free paper which quite often shows total compliance with whoever wants to fill its pages with total tripe!

Now Bedford Bypass had a bit of a poke at Mike Buchanan who has popped up from nowhere of latein his position  as the leader of the new political party “Justice for Men and Boys (and women who love them)”. Just the title would appear designed to provoke anyone inclined to support a feminist perspective and it’s hard from my angle to see if Mike Buchanan (not Mike Bukake which is a sexual act in which the female…well go look it up) isn’t a complete piss taker with a rounded sense of funor someone who needs support throughout the rest of his life! If the former, well he’s done quite well by getting a local newspaper that struggles to fill its pages to give him front page! Apart from hijacking a fairly poor local newspaper his party also seemed to have hijacked Father For Justice!

Mike Buchanan this time with his specs!

Mike Buchanan this time with his specs!

Mike’s party of which he is leader is an oddity. As anarchists we view the term “leader” with deep suspicion and it would be nice if Mike could confirm if he declared himself leader, did he vote himself in unopposed or through the unanimous decision of its membership, spill the beans Mike!

I’ve had a good look through Mike Baloney’s written works (they are legion and nonsensical) and he’s clearly got a fixation with feminism to the point of being apoplectic and obsessed both of which make him a fine candidate for a seat in the House of Commons. I have picked up on a need for him to make reference to female supporters like in the way he thanks someone called “Nicola” for alerting him to Bedford Bypass and in his blog he mentions some well stashed female financial supporter. Whether these people actually exist is really down to Mike to declare however I also picked up on on a mathematical oddity. In the local paper it says …”Mike who lived (past tense) in Bedford for 20 years…” thus giving the paper the Bedford resident angle but on his blog he says he lived in Bedford after 1995 so if you add it up…well it doesn’t add up to 20 years and anyhow anyone wanting to contact Bedford’s new hope can write to him at an address over in Bath! He’s also come across very convinvingly as a very upset ex Tory who think’s the Conservatives have gone lefty and soft….I look at the picture above and he reminds me of someone.

Mr Buchanan is also an author of sorts, I guess through self publishing which these days allows anyone with a word processor to churn our dirge and total rubbish whenever anyone wants to buy whatever it he or she have churned out! Here’s a cover from one of Mike’s books! Impressive isn’t it!

If anything worries me it's this!

If anything worries me it’s this!

He’s having a meet and greet at in Bedford next Saturday and asking for 25 people to pay £5.00 each to have a listen. The neat trick is that if 25 people turn up they end up giving him the finance required for the deposit to stand for the Bedford and Kempston seat so if you turn up, pay your money then think he’s off with the goblins then tough, you’ve helped set the ball in motion but then again the Bedford Times and Citizen seemed to have gone all out to help Mike get his campaig offf the starting block!

Mike’s hoping to get a demo of angry feminist’s outside his Bedford party launch, listen Mike…the council have been laying the boot into all manner of essential services round here and there’s been hardly any comment. Bedford effectively died some years back and if you want to waste not so much your money but the money of borderline simpletons that think you speaketh the pure truth then that’s up to you!

I’m not going to make it easy for anyone to find the Justice for…blog but if you do you might come to the same conclusion as I did, there’s someone behind it that is exceptionally committed to their views…or totally obsessed!

Thanks Mike Bukake

10 May

Mike Bukake! He's sent us a snotty comment!

Mike Bukake! He’s sent us a snotty comment!

Mike Buchanan has made our day by posting a comment about our infantile and insulting commentary (his words) in response to our views that as far as his first round of publicity goes as he seeks to become an MP he comes across and certainly looks like a knobhead, a tory (or an ex tory) and a bit of a twat. Cheers Mike Bukake you have gone up in our estimation and to be honest although from your photograph you look like a stamp collector you come across as a bit of a piss taker so deserve our appreciation as you seek to throw a lot of dosh at a futile attempt to displace either Richard Fuller or Patrick Hall!

There are three of us here in the Bypass bunker tonight, the third regular member is in China of all places but our combined age is 153 so work it out! You look about 60 with your glasses on so we suggest moisturiser and contact lenses. Maybe a snazzy haircut. Leonard in the Arcade is suggested!

Seriously Mike you’ve nabbed the front page with a load of tosh so well done although you’ve probably blown your stack too early to be honest and will get left behind in the rush to get to the trough!

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